Zombie or not to Zombie
The Zombie Apocalypse is officially a very real threat to our way of life. How do I know? Well the ultimate authoritative source for all things aimlessly absurd, otherwise known as The Discovery Channel, ran 2 hours of how to survive the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. I'm sure many of you have concerns about the Zombie Apocalypse and how to survive it. As it turns out, your greatest fear is not that you won't have Alice from the "Resident Evil" movies to help you. As it turns out, once the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us there is something even greater to fear than zombies.
Before I go too far into the shows, let me give you some important Zombie attack survival tips. The most important one we should all already know is from the movie "Zombieland", Number 1. Cardio. The next tip might surprise you. Do not use guns. They make noise which will make it easy for zombies to find you. Use a crossbow or bow and arrow instead. Another good one is since all of the people will have already raided the grocery stores, think pet store. There you will find thousands of cans of cat food and dog food. Not to mention those tasty Beggin' Strips for those of you who like bacon. Remember you do have thumbs. Yummy! Be sure to pick up some squeaky pet toys and cat nip to take back to the bunker with you.
Now for the really scary stuff that they don't want you to know. Don't think the zombies are just going to remain brain dead, brain eating zombies. Oh no. Eventually the zombie mind will adapt and evolve in order to survive. Which means at some point zombies will mate with each other and multiply. That's right, this means... you guessed it, Zombie sex?! Now right away I know your first reaction might be to be grossed out, but wait. Think about it for a second. Okay, never mind, it is gross.
The 2 programs they aired were called "Surviving Zombie Attacks" and "Zombie Preppers". The first show featured 3 redneck, hillbilly, backwoods, hatchet reeling, zombie survivalist who settle their differences by having fencing contests. HUH? This is like two people with PhD's having a tractor pulling contest. These 3 birdbrain chowderheads really are scarier than the zombies are. These 3 bozos from the backwoods plan to live in shipping containers and fight off zombies with machetes. Oh, and they know how to stitch you up because they practice on dead fetal pigs. Feeling safer already aren't you?
"Zombie Preppers" made me feel much safer and knowledgeable. Thankfully we have people like the KANSAS ANTI ZOMBIE MILITIA. And no I'm not kidding, they really exist. The motto on their website is "We are a Mid-west (but not exclusively) group of people committed to research and preparing for a zombie apocalypse. We are not crazy". Well thank God for that. These more than slightly demented and overly enthusiastic zombie exterminators already have their bunker and bio hazard suits ready to go. They plan to be around to repopulate our planet, ensuring that we don't become extinct due to a massive zombie infestation. There is one minor flaw with their repopulation plan which we will get to in a moment. You might also need to know that they are sure the government is secretly implanting Zombies into our society in strategic locations. But remember they're NOT crazy.
After watching 2 hours of Zombie Apocalypse indoctrination from these emotionally unstable and socially deranged self appointed saviors of our society, I came upon a disturbing revelation. All these Zombie Apocalypse Survivalist loonies had forgotten one thing. They had food, water, weapons and shelter all figured out so they could survive for years and years. However, they were going to have a problem repopulating the planet because they don't have any women! That's right, these rocket scientist forgot the women. See, this is what happens when you live in your parent’s basements until you are thirty-something, never dated in high school, and the closest you ever got to second base is getting hugged by your fat Aunt Gertrude.
If my choices are surviving with the Zombie Militia or the other Zombie Apocalypse survivalist, backwoods, redneck hillbillies, who look like they are rejects from the movie "Deliverance" (squeal like a pig for me boy) I think I'd rather side with the zombies.
