Pitch By Pitch

                    Pitch By Pitch

Recently I had the hardship of suffering through a Progressive Insurance commercial. Normally it's all I can do to tolerate the future Queen of Daffy Kooky Loopy Land, Flo. Anyone that gets that euphoric about selling insurance has to be buying her Elvis souvenirs from a hyperactive fiddle-footed chipmunk with a picture of Roy Orbison on his pillow.

I can never decide on exactly what she looks like. Sometimes I think she looks like a Rob Zombie movie reject. Some deranged butcher about to whip out her bloody meat clever and start hacking limbs off the poor unsuspecting Progressive Insurance customers. Other times I think she looks like she's the result of a makeover done by the bride of Frankenstein's ugly little step-sister's best friend who just experimented for the first time with the purple Kool-Aid.

This day was especially nauseating because Flo with her clown hooker make-up was doing karaoke to a song I really like. I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders was the song she was dismembering in her evil lab with yet another macabre sales pitch. I've liked that song ever since I saw a music video that showed images from the tragedy of 9/11 set to it. The powerful images set to the lyrics of this power ballad were very emotional. Needless to say having Flo sing this song was like selling pickles to pigs.

I suppose my primary leaky hot water bottle issue with Flo is that she's a lousy salesperson. Nobody would ever seriously consider buying insurance from that eerie ogre outcast. So since I've retired from the wonderful world of sales, I feel it's important for me to now pass along to you the wealth of my knowledge. This is a combination of two of my all time favorite sales pitches.

For those of you who sold your extra brain cells for the latest penguin clothing, you can substitute any product or customer name. However, the sales pitch is primarily directed towards a female buyer you could use it for a guy as well.

The first fundamentally lack of moral conduct is to always get the customer's name and give your name as something of the same ethnic origin. Example: His name is Mike O'Rourke. Your name is Danny O'Donnell. Her name is Veronica Chong, so your name is Danny Wong. Get it?

Hi there Miss... Suzie Plinski. Hey no kidding, I'm Danny Kowlowski. So I see you're interested in this 1974 Ford Pinto. It's nice to finally see someone walk in here that has some taste. Now I know a person like you is bound to appreciate a car like this 1974 Ford Pinto. It's big. In fact it's the biggest one here. You know what else? It's got a lot of range. You know what I mean by range, don't you Suzie? I mean it can keep you going for a long time, a very long time. And it's built firm and solid because it has to be, because of its tremendous forward thrust. And when this baby delivers its payload... devastating. Now I know what you are saying to yourself. You're saying can I afford to buy a car like this 1974 Ford Pinto? Well you can't afford not to buy a car like this. When you take into account the style, comfort, and gas mileage, not to mention the amount of money you're going to save just for making this deal, you can't afford not to buy this car. Hell the prestige alone of owning a 1974 Ford Pinto can't be measured in dollars and cents am I right? Let's face it, 1974 Ford Pinto is Suzie Plinski. So are we ready to write it up?

                        June Bugs

For those of you not in the loop, June was a rough month. I went to the ER 3 times, spent 5 days and 2 nights in the hospital, have had 1 never ending UTI, 1 burning pain on my … We’ll get to that later, took 2 ambulance rides, had 1 CAT Scan, saw 6 doctors, and got 8 prescriptions. So now your big question should not be what happened, but instead be how is he going to make this funny? Did I mention the snake, steroid cream, and orange urine? Now you're interested huh.

The month started off with a lot of abdominal pain and stabbing pain on my left side. Kidney stone maybe? Nope, no kidney on the left side. Finally it got bad enough to go to the ER. The doctor told me that I had a really bad UTI and invited me to stay at The Hotel Hypodermic. Thrilling!! With 24 hour room service, a private suite, basic cable, and free meals how could I say “No”?

Well the place was overrated, turned out to be more like an alien abduction. I was drugged, stripped, examined, and then they finished with the traditional anal probing. Four days later my doctor gave me probation, 14 days of antibiotics, told to follow up with my regular doctor, and was released on my own recognizance.

The Great Winkie War started innocently enough on a Saturday night. The war started with Winkie getting a burning headache late in the evening. The headache eased up as the night went on and it seemed the war was just going to be a minor skirmish. Little did I know Winkie was just setting things up for a major attack later in the week. By June 19th Winkie had launched his assault that would ultimately result in his being taken by ambulance to the ER in the middle of the night.

In Winkie’s defense I can understand his frustration and ultimate uprising. Over the years since the accident he had become increasingly disgruntled with his ever changing job description. The job he had been hired on to perform had been changed drastically and the internal conflict had finally brought him to his breaking point.

The first blow came when his long time on-again off-again relationship with Palmela Handerson had ended abruptly. That was followed by a regiment of timed restroom breaks. Not long after that came the final humiliation. The doctor installed a catheter that completely bypassed Winkie's responsibilities for dispensing urine. It was at that time that he realized his dreams of stardom, statues, and parades in his honor, or ever having a high school named after him were never going to happen.

Winkie's migraine was reason enough to take him to the ER by ambulance in the middle of the night. Dr. Dixit, and yes that was his name, took a look at Winkie, prescribed some antibiotic ointment, pain killers, and sent Winkie and his entourage home for the night. But the night's excitement was not yet over.


Now for the Great Snake story. At approximately 1am the ambulance came to take Winkie and the family home. They got me in bed and then came mom screaming there's a snake in my room. Thus began the exciting adventures of Mom and Nurse Tanisha Snake Hunters. Using a shovel and broom they managed to coral the mammoth python under mom’s bed. The giant anaconda coiled itself around Tanisha's broom. With the speed and agility of a gazelle she quickly ran out the front door with the serpent. She managed to break the hold of the deadly viper and released it into the thick jungle of our front yard. Thus the enormous 4 inch garden snake was free to once again terrorize spiders and gnats.

To end the month my friendly neighborhood UTI decided to return. So I took another trip to the ER, saw another doctor, and got more antibiotics and pain killers. I was hoping July would be better but the same problems persisted. I saw 2 more doctors, one of which changed Winkie’s ointment to a steroid cream. Interesting choice to say the least, but it did give Winkie some false hope. Unfortunately his headache still won’t go away, nor will the UTI, or the pain on the left side. Now that’s funny.

Zombie or not to Zombie

Zombie or not to Zombie

The Zombie Apocalypse is officially a very real threat to our way of life. How do I know? Well the ultimate authoritative source for all things aimlessly absurd, otherwise known as The Discovery Channel, ran 2 hours of how to survive the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. I'm sure many of you have concerns about the Zombie Apocalypse and how to survive it. As it turns out, your greatest fear is not that you won't have Alice from the "Resident Evil" movies to help you. As it turns out, once the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us there is something even greater to fear than zombies.

Before I go too far into the shows, let me give you some important Zombie attack survival tips. The most important one we should all already know is from the movie "Zombieland", Number 1. Cardio. The next tip might surprise you. Do not use guns. They make noise which will make it easy for zombies to find you. Use a crossbow or bow and arrow instead. Another good one is since all of the people will have already raided the grocery stores, think pet store. There you will find thousands of cans of cat food and dog food. Not to mention those tasty Beggin' Strips for those of you who like bacon. Remember you do have thumbs. Yummy! Be sure to pick up some squeaky pet toys and cat nip to take back to the bunker with you.

Now for the really scary stuff that they don't want you to know. Don't think the zombies are just going to remain brain dead, brain eating zombies. Oh no. Eventually the zombie mind will adapt and evolve in order to survive. Which means at some point zombies will mate with each other and multiply. That's right, this means... you guessed it, Zombie sex?! Now right away I know your first reaction might be to be grossed out, but wait. Think about it for a second. Okay, never mind, it is gross.

The 2 programs they aired were called "Surviving Zombie Attacks" and "Zombie Preppers". The first show featured 3 redneck, hillbilly, backwoods, hatchet reeling, zombie survivalist who settle their differences by having fencing contests. HUH? This is like two people with PhD's having a tractor pulling contest. These 3 birdbrain chowderheads really are scarier than the zombies are. These 3 bozos from the backwoods plan to live in shipping containers and fight off zombies with machetes. Oh, and they know how to stitch you up because they practice on dead fetal pigs. Feeling safer already aren't you?

"Zombie Preppers" made me feel much safer and knowledgeable. Thankfully we have people like the KANSAS ANTI ZOMBIE MILITIA. And no I'm not kidding, they really exist. The motto on their website is "We are a Mid-west (but not exclusively) group of people committed to research and preparing for a zombie apocalypse. We are not crazy". Well thank God for that. These more than slightly demented and overly enthusiastic zombie exterminators already have their bunker and bio hazard suits ready to go. They plan to be around to repopulate our planet, ensuring that we don't become extinct due to a massive zombie infestation. There is one minor flaw with their repopulation plan which we will get to in a moment. You might also need to know that they are sure the government is secretly implanting Zombies into our society in strategic locations. But remember they're NOT crazy.

After watching 2 hours of Zombie Apocalypse indoctrination from these emotionally unstable and socially deranged self appointed saviors of our society, I came upon a disturbing revelation. All these Zombie Apocalypse Survivalist loonies had forgotten one thing. They had food, water, weapons and shelter all figured out so they could survive for years and years. However, they were going to have a problem repopulating the planet because they don't have any women! That's right, these rocket scientist forgot the women. See, this is what happens when you live in your parent’s basements until you are thirty-something, never dated in high school, and the closest you ever got to second base is getting hugged by your fat Aunt Gertrude.

If my choices are surviving with the Zombie Militia or the other Zombie Apocalypse survivalist, backwoods, redneck hillbillies, who look like they are rejects from the movie "Deliverance" (squeal like a pig for me boy) I think I'd rather side with the zombies.

                                 The Art of Expaining the Obvious

This is going to be the longest, most drawn out, overly complex, poorly disguised, explanation for something that can be explained so much more simply without all the exaggerated and meaningless gibberish that has been so needlessly and shamelessly inserted to the explanation solely for the purpose of making this clarification that you will find is so completely unnecessary due to the fact that the information provided for the purpose of clarification will have absolutely no significant bearing on your future enjoyment of returning to this site at a later and more convenient date and time to read whatever I may have posted on this blog that I have just recently invited people to read, enjoy, comment on, or pass on to others in your spare time whether you be at home or at work and trying to avoid those daily mundane tasks that we all must endure so that we can enjoy our leisure time, with friends or family, read a book, watch a movie, catch up on some sleep, go shopping, fishing, or just find out that once again you have needlessly spent time being educated on why I am still the ninja of wasting time because I have been able to waste not only my time by writing all this complete and utter nonsense simply to explain why this site is named QuadraLand and why my email address is called Quadraman which you have undoubtedly figured out is that it must and most obviously be because I am a quadriplegic and that you probably knew that fact long before you ever started reading this and have now realized how much time you have wasted reading this extraordinarily huge waste of time that you don't seem to be able to stop reading unless I bring this to a quick, simple, and so obviously apparent conclusion by finding a way to end it that is not only somehow meaningful but at the same time humorous and  

QuadraLand Part 1

                                    QuadraLand Part 1
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls and children of all ages welcome to the wonderful world of QuadraLand Amusement Park. Today we're going to visit What’s-Missing-Land. Actually, what we’re going to do is take a look at the things that I miss and the things I don't miss.

I know that this is just going to enthrall and captivate you for hours. I’m relatively sure that while you sit in your cubical/office/work space/dungeon at work this might be the most fun you’ll have all day. Well that and going for that high score on Angry Birds, and checking your FaceBook for updates, and Tweeting, and playing solitaire. So I make the top 5.



The one thing they teach you when writing is to grab the reader right from the start. So here it is. Let’s start off in the public restrooms. Gotcha already didn’t I? Now the one thing I miss of course is not being able to actually use a public restroom. Having your own personal travel size Ziploc bag to carry your ingredients to make yellow snow, helps to eliminate that need. While it would be nice to be able to use the public restroom if needed, standing in line and crossing your legs while waiting for some timid tinkler to use the urinal at a bar, club or stadium will not be missed.



So figure the male brain really only works in three categories, food, sports, and sex. I can still eat and I can watch sports. That leaves one category unfulfilled. Of course to be fair I was already missing it before the accident. On the bright side, it's time for the adults section.



Let's talk sex. First we need to disuse the differences between men and women. No not those differences. The differences in the way they react to seeing a quadriplegic. Women react with a more maternal instinct. No duh, huh? Men on the other hand have a more basic or cave man like reaction. Their first thought is how much it would suck to lose the use of their arms and legs. Then comes the real scary bomb shell. Oh my god…does that mean my tally-whacker doesn’t work?? Scary thought, huh guys? That question and many others will be answered on our next episode.

QuadraLand Part 2

 

                                      QuadraLand Part 2



When last we left our intrepid explorer we were looking at possible poor Perry-winkle performance from paralysis. The answer to that $25,000 question is “yes”. While the market is still down I’m hoping to get a stimulus package one day.



One of the things I miss most is not being able to skydive. There's nothing like being on the morning load, sitting next to the open door of the plane and seeing the morning sun reflect on the tops of the clouds. A sunset load is also pretty sweet. Of course a highway jump is pretty nice too. You haven’t seen the sky until you’ve flown through the canyons of the clouds with your skydiving buddies.



Along with the jumping I will also miss the people. Every weekend was always fun. The parties on the weekend always produced a very interesting side story. As soon as the sun set the stupid human tricks started. How many stories started off with “Hold my beer. Watch this.” Whether it be bonfire walking, human slingshot, or the tricycle of death we always had good times.



In the won't miss category is being crammed into a plane with 22 of my closest friends on a 100 degree day for twenty plus minutes while we climb to altitude. Mmmm, Mmmm, good. You’ve got to love that skydiver B.O.



Now for a couple of things that I think are overrated. Standing, overrated. Standing in line, any line, is forever gone from my agenda. That's not to say that I don't have to wait in line. I just get to sit in line. Sweeeet. Believe it or not I now think that walking is somewhat overrated. Being able to roll everywhere with a touch of a button is also pretty sweet.



Not to mention that this new chair tilts back like a recliner. Imagine having your own easy chair everywhere you go. Next time the wife or girlfriend makes you go shopping just roll over to the electronics department, tilt back and watch the game. Borrow a BBQ grill from home and garden, get some chips, some beer, and a few more dudes in wheelchairs and you have a man cave. Who says that being in a wheelchair is all bad?



 Other benefits to being in a wheelchair are getting to park near the entrance wherever you go. You never have to open another door. No matter how much walking around there is to do, you'll never be the one who gets tired first. No matter how much you drink you'll never get a DWI or fall down drunk, or lose your seat at the bar because you had to go to the bathroom. Okay well, that's really about it as far as advantages. See, it's the little things in life that make it so much fun.

The Art Of Wasting Time

This is the intro to a humorous ten part series on wasting time.
 
                    The Art Of Wasting Time
     In the beginning there was boredom, then came wasting time. Now there is the art of wasting time. As many of you already know I became a quadriplegic. This has afforded me the opportunity to discover many new and interesting worlds. One of these new and interesting worlds is that I have an incredible amount of spare time on my hands with nothing to do. As such, I have become an expert in the art of wasting time. Now I'm sure that all of you think that you're masters at wasting time. The clock watchers spending hours upon hours surfing the web are a prime example. However, years of lacking in mobility has honed my skills to that of a time wasting master ninja.

Part 1: Free Credits Report

     Soon all of you will have a far less appreciation for movie credits. I know everyone thinks that watching the credits at the end of a movie is a complete waste of time. You’re right, it is. However, in a few moments my time wasting Master Ninja skills will teach you how to waste that time with more indifference and greater dispassion then you never cared about.

     Once the credits start rolling at the end of a movie you are usually either walking out of the theater or hitting the “Stop” button on the DVD player. However, I can do neither. Because of this inability I have watched far too many movie credits. So many in fact, that I have invented a game that is a monumental waste of time.

One of the dullest and least interesting (yet soon to be a college drinking party game played by all) is guessing how many times your name will appear in the credits at the end of the movie. Sounds thrilling huh?

     Be warned, it’s not as easy as it sounds. I have a very common name and I’ve found my name as many as 23 times, and as few as 2. Even if you have a less than common name like Kip or Monique, you might be surprised how many times your name pops up.

Now I know this is a huge waste of time, but just wait. Next time you’re watching a movie this completely stupid and idiotic waste of time will creep into the back of your mind. Curiosity will get the better of you and you'll start counting. What a waste of time.

Part 3 The Marilyn Effect

                        In an effort to waste more time I've undertaken a mystery of epic proportion. Recently something very strange has been happening in my bedroom. It involves my Marilyn Monroe Christmas ornament that I have hanging from my ceiling fan. Some how she has been mysteriously changing the direction she's facing. The perplexing mystery of how she is doing this has kept me up for many sleepless seconds.
The secret of how she is doing this is so mind numbing that some of the greatest mystery solving detectives have passed on the case. Nancy Drew, Scooby-Doo, and even Charlie Chan with help from his number one son have all declined my invitation to undertake this monumental waste of time. They are either scared of the possibility of universal humiliation if they fail to solve this absurd contradiction of galactic unimportance, or it could simply be because they're imaginary. But I, with my ever decreasing number of brain cells, has dove into this unexplained brain twister with all the energy of a sloth in syrup.
     Awhile back I notice that Marilyn had been mysteriously turning and facing different directions. Some days Marilyn is facing the window. Some days she is facing the TV. Other days she is facing the bathroom. Spooky I know. Especially for a Christmas ornament. I mean one doesn't normally expect to find that type of behavior from a major motion picture holiday ornament.
     In order to solve this perplexing and irrelevant mystery it's important to note the facts in the case. She is in the classic pose wearing the blowing white dress from the scene in the movie "The Seven Year Itch". She isn't flat like Texas road kill. Think Barbie, she has arms and legs. You can even look up the dress. I know, I think that's pretty kinky for a Christmas ornament too. The strings attached to a hook in the back of her head, the fan is off, it's not the A/C, and the string is too hit your head on. So how is she spinning around?
    Let's look at some possible explanations for this phenomenon. First, she's upset about having a hook screwed in to the back of her head. Very understandable, I'd be running around in circles too if I had a screw in the back of my head. Maybe she's embarrassed that I'm always looking up her skirt. Hey she started it. Maybe it's Demonic possession. Give me a break. Someone call Linda Blair for me. Or maybe someone is using The Force. Ah…Yeah right. Somebody have Linda Blair call Yoda. Or maybe it's Gremlins, or the Keebler Elves, Goblins, Dwarfs, Fairies, The Ghost of Elvis, Aliens, Bigfoot, Voodoo, Leprechauns, or maybe… it's Ninjas!!
     I found out the other day how she's doing it. However, the explanation is just not that interesting. In fact it is so boring and stupid that explaining it to you would be an even bigger waste of your time than reading this has been. I'm sure your imagination will come up with a far more interesting and entertaining explanation than the truth is. I know this to be true because my invisible purple baby elephant told me so at our last meeting of D.U.M.B. Demented Unauthorized Messengers of Bull.

Part 4: Country Men Lend Me Your Ears

Okay, I know what you're thinking, EARS?!! Are you kidding me? No one can seriously write something interesting (much less funny) about ears. Well if you have enough time to waste on the subject anything can be funny. I never looked at other people's ears until I had all this free time. I just assumed all ears looked alike. I was wrong. So I've taken the opportunity to study the ears of movie stars, athletes, and basically anyone else on TV who has ears. To my surprise most people do. Have ears I mean.
Obviously when you think about ears, you think about human ears. If you do you'd be missing out on some of the most famous ears. There are several famous animated ears, Horton who heard a Who (who buys old cell phones), Mickey Mouse (who has the best phone service), Bugs Bunny (who's never called me on my cell phone), and of course Dumbo (who doesn't even own a cell phone).
If I even mention the word Dumbo what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Cell phones? No. That's right it's that Bambi's mother was killed by hunters. No, wait… that's wrong isn't it? It's Dumbo's mother who was killed by hunters. Wait, that's wrong to? Okay, I got it now. Dumbo was the one who thought he could fly. Wow, you talk about one messed up mutant mammal. So if I say the word Dumbo what's the first thing that comes to mind? That baby elephants should lay off the meth. You know what? I've completely lost my train of thought now. Whatever I was going to say about ears must not have been that funny. You're right, there's nothing funny to say about ears.