FORWARD: it's been a long time since I've written anything creative. Insert excuses here. So you can read it, not read it, just click "Like", or give me your unsolicited review. Enjoy.

GOLDEN

Follow me for a second here. My neighbor has a palm tree in his back yard. In that palm tree there lives a family of squirrels. There's Papa squirrel, Mama squirrel, and Baby squirrel. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." Identify that movie quote for 5 bonus points. After seeing the family of squirrels, my mind started wandering. What if you took "Goldilocks and the 3 Bears" and changed the bears to squirrels? Hmmmm.

Okay, stupid idea. After all a squirrel is not exactly the same size as a bear. Thank-you, another dazzling observation brought to you by Captain Obvious. That creates all kinds of problems with size. Duh. I mean you can forget about the whole too hot, too cold, too hard, too soft thing. What difference does that make if she can't hold the spoon, fit in the bed, or for that matter get into the stupid house?

Unless of course Goldilocks were to swing by Wonderland on her way to the squirrels house. Then if Alice still has some of that LSD laced cake she scored off that psychedelic pastry dealing rabbit they can both fit. Alice in Wonderland, what a trip. Makes Dr. Seuss's The Cat in the Hat look like Shakespeare in the park. Where was I? Oh yeah.

Obviously the "Goldilocks and the 3 Squirrels" concept was right up there with men's barbed wire underwear. Although the men's barbed wire underwear did have a great slogan, "A little prick never hurt anyone." Wait a minute, where was I again?

So now we had a new problem, "Goldilocks and the 3 bears." None of us at the intergalactic brain trust breakfast table could remember the ending to this story. I mean it's a children's story, so there has be a moral to the story, right? But what was the ending and what was the moral?

Let's take a quick look at the evidence. Goldilocks is obviously a minor. But she's obviously guilty of breaking and entering, theft (eating the porridge), and destruction of private property. I don't think you can get her on anything for being found sleeping in the baby bear's bed.

You've got to admit, Goldilocks is a little creepy. She seems to have an uncomfortable desire for everything that belongs to the baby bear. Personally, I'm thinking restraining order. Talk about handwriting on the wall. Goldilocks has a bright future as a poster child for the obsessed crazy one of the pain from an psycho girlfriend. I'll bet you she knows exactly how long to boil a bunny.

Now the D.A. should have no trouble getting a conviction on our little bungling blond cat burglar. She wasn't wearing any gloves, she was seen at the scene of the crime, and leaving the scene of the crime. Obviously an amateur. Of course all of this only matters if she got caught, and I don't recall anyone placing a 911 call to Sheriff Huckleberry Hound.

If she didn't get caught, that leaves two possibilities. She either gets away, or the bears kill her and eat her. Which if I'm not mistaken they are legally entitled to do in Montana. So we have option #1 She gets away, or option #2 A grisly death by grizzly bear. Did you notice what I did there with the play on words? Grisly, grizzly, huh, huh, get it, pretty smart, eh?

Now what kind of moral to the story is it if she gets away? Criminal mischief is OK, so long as you don't get caught? Not a very good moral for children. Next thing you know you've got Little Red Riding Hood smuggling smack instead of snacks to grandma's house from distribution in Candy Land. Then Charlie Brown starts shooting up steroids so he can play high school sports. It'll be anarchy!

If she didn't get turned over to the authorities, and getting away has no moral to it, that leaves only is one possible ending. The bears ate her! Now that's a good ending. Just like Hansel and Gretel. The moral of the story? Don't go sneaking off into the woods, or some senile old bat might very well go Texas chainsaw massacre on your dumb azz.

FOOTNOTE: For the record, I did look up the ending as well as the history of the story. As it turns out the story has about 1,000 variations. I think the one I liked best was where the baby bear wasn't the baby bear at all. He was just a good friend of the other two bears. Then Goldilocks runs off into the woods and is never heard from again. You know what? I'm thinking Hansel and Gretel might have been the sequel.