Pitch By Pitch

                    Pitch By Pitch

Recently I had the hardship of suffering through a Progressive Insurance commercial. Normally it's all I can do to tolerate the future Queen of Daffy Kooky Loopy Land, Flo. Anyone that gets that euphoric about selling insurance has to be buying her Elvis souvenirs from a hyperactive fiddle-footed chipmunk with a picture of Roy Orbison on his pillow.

I can never decide on exactly what she looks like. Sometimes I think she looks like a Rob Zombie movie reject. Some deranged butcher about to whip out her bloody meat clever and start hacking limbs off the poor unsuspecting Progressive Insurance customers. Other times I think she looks like she's the result of a makeover done by the bride of Frankenstein's ugly little step-sister's best friend who just experimented for the first time with the purple Kool-Aid.

This day was especially nauseating because Flo with her clown hooker make-up was doing karaoke to a song I really like. I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders was the song she was dismembering in her evil lab with yet another macabre sales pitch. I've liked that song ever since I saw a music video that showed images from the tragedy of 9/11 set to it. The powerful images set to the lyrics of this power ballad were very emotional. Needless to say having Flo sing this song was like selling pickles to pigs.

I suppose my primary leaky hot water bottle issue with Flo is that she's a lousy salesperson. Nobody would ever seriously consider buying insurance from that eerie ogre outcast. So since I've retired from the wonderful world of sales, I feel it's important for me to now pass along to you the wealth of my knowledge. This is a combination of two of my all time favorite sales pitches.

For those of you who sold your extra brain cells for the latest penguin clothing, you can substitute any product or customer name. However, the sales pitch is primarily directed towards a female buyer you could use it for a guy as well.

The first fundamentally lack of moral conduct is to always get the customer's name and give your name as something of the same ethnic origin. Example: His name is Mike O'Rourke. Your name is Danny O'Donnell. Her name is Veronica Chong, so your name is Danny Wong. Get it?

Hi there Miss... Suzie Plinski. Hey no kidding, I'm Danny Kowlowski. So I see you're interested in this 1974 Ford Pinto. It's nice to finally see someone walk in here that has some taste. Now I know a person like you is bound to appreciate a car like this 1974 Ford Pinto. It's big. In fact it's the biggest one here. You know what else? It's got a lot of range. You know what I mean by range, don't you Suzie? I mean it can keep you going for a long time, a very long time. And it's built firm and solid because it has to be, because of its tremendous forward thrust. And when this baby delivers its payload... devastating. Now I know what you are saying to yourself. You're saying can I afford to buy a car like this 1974 Ford Pinto? Well you can't afford not to buy a car like this. When you take into account the style, comfort, and gas mileage, not to mention the amount of money you're going to save just for making this deal, you can't afford not to buy this car. Hell the prestige alone of owning a 1974 Ford Pinto can't be measured in dollars and cents am I right? Let's face it, 1974 Ford Pinto is Suzie Plinski. So are we ready to write it up?