June Bugs

For those of you not in the loop, June was a rough month. I went to the ER 3 times, spent 5 days and 2 nights in the hospital, have had 1 never ending UTI, 1 burning pain on my … We’ll get to that later, took 2 ambulance rides, had 1 CAT Scan, saw 6 doctors, and got 8 prescriptions. So now your big question should not be what happened, but instead be how is he going to make this funny? Did I mention the snake, steroid cream, and orange urine? Now you're interested huh.

The month started off with a lot of abdominal pain and stabbing pain on my left side. Kidney stone maybe? Nope, no kidney on the left side. Finally it got bad enough to go to the ER. The doctor told me that I had a really bad UTI and invited me to stay at The Hotel Hypodermic. Thrilling!! With 24 hour room service, a private suite, basic cable, and free meals how could I say “No”?

Well the place was overrated, turned out to be more like an alien abduction. I was drugged, stripped, examined, and then they finished with the traditional anal probing. Four days later my doctor gave me probation, 14 days of antibiotics, told to follow up with my regular doctor, and was released on my own recognizance.

The Great Winkie War started innocently enough on a Saturday night. The war started with Winkie getting a burning headache late in the evening. The headache eased up as the night went on and it seemed the war was just going to be a minor skirmish. Little did I know Winkie was just setting things up for a major attack later in the week. By June 19th Winkie had launched his assault that would ultimately result in his being taken by ambulance to the ER in the middle of the night.

In Winkie’s defense I can understand his frustration and ultimate uprising. Over the years since the accident he had become increasingly disgruntled with his ever changing job description. The job he had been hired on to perform had been changed drastically and the internal conflict had finally brought him to his breaking point.

The first blow came when his long time on-again off-again relationship with Palmela Handerson had ended abruptly. That was followed by a regiment of timed restroom breaks. Not long after that came the final humiliation. The doctor installed a catheter that completely bypassed Winkie's responsibilities for dispensing urine. It was at that time that he realized his dreams of stardom, statues, and parades in his honor, or ever having a high school named after him were never going to happen.

Winkie's migraine was reason enough to take him to the ER by ambulance in the middle of the night. Dr. Dixit, and yes that was his name, took a look at Winkie, prescribed some antibiotic ointment, pain killers, and sent Winkie and his entourage home for the night. But the night's excitement was not yet over.


Now for the Great Snake story. At approximately 1am the ambulance came to take Winkie and the family home. They got me in bed and then came mom screaming there's a snake in my room. Thus began the exciting adventures of Mom and Nurse Tanisha Snake Hunters. Using a shovel and broom they managed to coral the mammoth python under mom’s bed. The giant anaconda coiled itself around Tanisha's broom. With the speed and agility of a gazelle she quickly ran out the front door with the serpent. She managed to break the hold of the deadly viper and released it into the thick jungle of our front yard. Thus the enormous 4 inch garden snake was free to once again terrorize spiders and gnats.

To end the month my friendly neighborhood UTI decided to return. So I took another trip to the ER, saw another doctor, and got more antibiotics and pain killers. I was hoping July would be better but the same problems persisted. I saw 2 more doctors, one of which changed Winkie’s ointment to a steroid cream. Interesting choice to say the least, but it did give Winkie some false hope. Unfortunately his headache still won’t go away, nor will the UTI, or the pain on the left side. Now that’s funny.